When shame takes over - What is shame and how can we heal it

When shame takes over - What is shame and how can we heal it

Author: Alessandro Pelliccioni, psychologist and brief therapist

What is shame?

Shame is a social emotion associated with the fear that other people will judge me or my actions negatively. When we feel shame, we feel inferior, judged, criticized and far from what we would like or should feel. Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises when we believe we have done something immoral or inappropriate. It is associated with strong a negative self-image, anxiety, distrust of others, and feelings of distress experienced when we fail to live up to the expectations of our ideal self.

One typical way to defend ourselves against shame is to avoid anything that might cause this feeling. When untreated, shame can in the long run destroy relationships, work goals and distance us from our inner peace of mind.

What causes shame?

Shame is a secondary emotion, i.e. one of those emotions that are not present at birth, but are soon learned through the social environment. Primary emotions such as fear are directly related to survival. These feelings are innate and they are present regardless of which culture we belong to. As we grow up, the influence of the social environment becomes more and more important and leads to what we can call “self-conscious emotions”: shame, guilt, embarrassment and pride. These feelings are based on how we believe others see us and how we see ourselves. Although these social feelings can be unpleasant, they have an important function: to help us live together and be accepted in a group.

Shame becomes toxic when it brings out very strong feelings of inadequacy. It can then become a central part of the identity, and not a passing state. In such a state, we may tend to see some aspects of ourselves as inappropriate. Such beliefs are reflected in behaviour as harsh self-blame, criticism or hiding.

Shame arises from the fear of making a bad impression on others, or from the belief that we have already done so. When we feel shame, we worry that we are not able to present a good enough image of ourselves to others and to ourselves. In order not to feel shame, we often choose in advance what to do and what to avoid. The mere thought that we might not be able to do something perfectly reinforces the belief that there is something wrong with us: failure would evoke too much emotion to bear.

The roots of shame can be found in the culture or family in which we grew up: we may have been judged or felt judged for something we could not help being or doing, like for some of our physical features, slowness in schoolwork, shyness or sensitivity.

The most typical causes of shame

• People who have experienced trauma and abuse often end up living in shame. Victims often end up blaming themselves for what has happened to them and feeling worthless.
• If we are unable to meet the high standards and expectations that, for example, parents, school, or social media have set for us.
• If we are unable to accept or openly express our feelings or weaknesses:
• If we have grown up in a context where weaknesses are not allowed, we end up shaming ourselves when they appear.
• Being a victim of bullying is associated with many problems related to self-esteem and self-esteem.
• Repeated experiences of rejection, criticism and judgment in childhood and adolescence: If we grew up in a family, school or social environment where we repeatedly experienced these personal attacks, we are much more likely to experience them as shame in adulthood.

What does shame feel like? (in mind, body, behavior)

The following list allows us to identify some of the most common reactions and behaviors that follow when shame takes over:

• Avoiding eye contact or poor posture
• Feeling worthless or feeling judged or rejected
• Uncontrollable flushing
• Feeling exploited or manipulated
• A feeling of tightness and/or being blocked physically
• Constantly worrying about the feelings of others
• Fear of being found out to be incompetent or stupid
• Strong fear of failure
• Perfectionism
• Distrust of others
• Tendency to hide or isolate
• Avoiding being the center of attention

Any of the above listed sensations, feelings or behaviours can lead to many emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety, panic disorder, angry outbursts and low self-esteem.

How are shame and guilt different?

Both shame and guilt are a natural part of human experience. The difference boils down to this: guilt is: "I did something wrong", while shame is: "I am fundamentally wrong - not what I should be". Guilt refers to something we have done: something we feel we have done wrong aand wish we had done differently. In this case, there may be a desire and maybe also an opportunity to do something to repair the damage. Shame points to something deeper: that who we are is unacceptable and cannot be fixed.

How can we heal shame?

The first and deeply important step is to accept that we feel shame and decide not to make our choices based on what it "tells" us to do - or often, not to. Do the thing that you fear will cause discomfort and embarrassment anyway. Walk into a room, share your two cents in a conversation, show up and let yourself be seen, imperfect as you will be. When we do take the brave steps to take the risks like these we may notice that the feared criticism and blaming doesn't happen after all, or doesn't happen so strongly.

A second step we can take is look for the source of our shame - it can be found. Take a moment to focus on something that makes you feel ashamed and try to answer the following questions:

• Why does this make me feel ashamed?
• What do I think others might think of me (if they knew/saw/heard me doing/being this)? Is that true?
• If my best friend shared a similar truth about herself, would I judge her the same way?

We can also help heal our shame by telling a trusted person about the shame we feel. Telling stories of shame helps us think and understand our actions and reactions. "Shame can only grow in the dark"

How therapy can help

Seeking help from a mental health professional is an valuable step you can take to support yourself while dealing with feelings of shame. In therapy, we can work together and figure out where the idea that something is wrong with us actually comes from. For instance, our own values may be different from our parents' values. If our parents held strict discipline and hard life values (often learned from the previous generation), we can start living with and in shame very early on. We may feel shame every time our behaviour does not fit within these values. This leads us to move further and further away from our own self and our own spontaneity, which brings us closer to some imagined ideal self.

As adults, we can begin to question the values that have been ingrained in us throughout life, carried on from childhood. We can give space to real feelings that may have been denied in our Type to enter text childhood. Our parents values may differ from our own, but our life is ours alone, and no one else can tell us how to live it.

When you dare to face and admit your feelings of shame and look for its cause, life can open up lighter, clearer, more free. You can begin to a life that both looks and feels like your own.

Author: Alessandro Pelliccioni, psychologist and brief therapist

"I am originally from Italy, and I have been living in Finland for over twenty years. I am a psychologist and a brief therapist (Integrum Institute, cognitive integrative approach). You can come to my reception with a low threshold. No problem is too insignificant or small to be worthy of treatment. You can come to my reception as your true self."